Come to Bali, throw a party, surf, eat amazing food and then ruin your holiday by going on a detox. Im a little grumpy cause its my first day detoxing with Shuntaya where all I can eat for four days is a variety of herbal pills, runny clay drink, coconut juice and vegetable broth every hour or so. Not even the freakin’ vegetables, just the broth! Never done anything like this properly before. There was that once I started the 7 day detox in a box kit and canned it on the first day because it turned my ass into a tap. That didnt bother me too much, but the fact I was hosting a live national TV show at the time made it difficult.
So my brother Jay and my best buddy Sam and I all decided when hungover after my 40th birthday party that we needed to do a detox. Sam sent me a link for Shuntaya, I booked it. A naturapath by the name of Monica dropped by our villa for a 1 hour consultation with each of us talking to us about what we eat, drink and do to our bodies on a daily basis. Apparently shes e mailing what we need to do on top of the Shuntaya 4 day detox drill. Did I mention I hate getting old. Meh! I thought 1 or two litres of water a day was enough, just found out I am meant to have four litres four being 86 kilos. Whoops, no wonder my kidneys are always sore. Actually that could be tequila, but its good tequila, not that Jose Quervo crap, usually Patron or Mezcal. I digress. So when Monica the naturapath showed up Sam and Jay had locked themselves in their villas threatening an escape to DEUS temple up the road for free taco and tattoo Tuesday. Eventually they were up for the detox or what Monica called a body reset. If only I had a button I could push, only im not that way inclined. over 50 pills later and 11 sloppy metamucil type shakes we get a colonic irrigation tomorrow. Stay tuned.
Day 2
Just woke up to the sound of illegal fireworks being set off outside my villa. Seriously, Its 6am, who lets of fireworks in the day let alone at 6am. Fuck im hungry and grumpy. Must put on a happy face or I’ll scare evryone away. Shake time, oh jeesus, this tastes like ass mixed with off milk. Today is the ass hose out day, colonic irrigation. FAK! Im going back to bed. Alarm goes off at 7, first handfull of pils and thick tasteless detox drink. EW! Do this for a few hours then its time for the first Colon Cleanse. Wow, this is mental. You can actually watch whats coming out, I call it “Poo Tube”. It really is shit television. My brother burst into the clinic with his video camera when I was getting it done. Want to see? If I get any comments asking for the video I’ll upload my download video. Went to have a massage this afternoon and the worst headache I have ever had in my life hit me like a falling Balinese coconut. I had to take a panadol. My friend sam called me a cheat cause its not part of the detox.
Day Three
Woke up feeling pretty good, skipped the crap shake and ran to DEUS Temple up the road from where Im staying in Changuu, its bloody hot, about 31 degrees. Another colonic at 11am which Im kind of dreading. Did the colonic and it was a little more full on. Apparently didnt drink enough water and the clay drink thing was harder in my guts than usual. Fabulous. Betty the clinic ass technician went from massaging my gut to poking my bowel like a remote control that wouldn’t work. I felt violated a little. Its late niw in my room, tomorrow is the last morning if this rectum ritual and then at 11am I am free from Detox hell. Im thinking vietnamese food. I am going to eat it quicker than a……..(insert something really quick here). I cant think.

EAT-PRAY-DRINK-PARTY-LOVE

Posted on December 3, 2012 by MikeyG

The year long filming of my movie “Shooting Goldman” is done, Big Brother series 9 is dusted and I’ve just turned 40 so its time for a party. Had some mates suggest I celebrate in Bali. I have never been to Bali and have always been one of those people who said that they would never go after Muslim extremist bombings in October 2002, but they were 10 years ago. I have friends who have moved there, previously lived there and constantly rave about how incredible it is for the heart, mind, soul and more importantly to me they have awesome cocktails. Oh, and then theres these AAMI ad’s on TV at the moment featuring some Balinese dude called Katut romancing a middle aged australian woman, Julia Roberts Eat Pray Love style. It absolutely cracks me up every time I see it. Im not embarrassed to admit it, but I loved the movie too. Javier Bardem is one of my favourite actors, he’s in it. So enough reasons to go, I’m there!
About 6 months ago I decided to start organising my 40th in Seminyak with the help of good friend Tracey Williams Strano. Tracy runs a wedding company called www.oolalah.com.au and was on my case to sort an invitation. So as you can see I sprayed myself gold and got shot by my best buddy Henryk Lobaczewski, please check his stuff its amazing. This is me as the real Gold-man!

Mikes Bali Birthday Invite

Yes I actually sprayed myself gold for this photo. Things we do huh? So it looks like I have about 55 people coming to Seminyak and the first party has some killer surprises. Really bummed my dad cant come, he is on chemotherapy after having cancer cut out for the second time the poor old buggar. Part of the reason Im having the party in Bali was for him to get away and enjoy himself after his first scare. At least most of my other family members ar coming including my homebody brother Jay. Can you believe he has never been out of the country in his adult life. He wont know himself when he gets back. Anyway get well Dad, and as for the rest of my friends and family, you’re in trouble! Get ready to party.
If you’ve been and want to suggest something for us to do there please post it here and I’d say it will probably be on the cards. Stay tuned for an update of how things go.

M x

Whatever you do, donut do this to your head

Posted on October 1, 2012 by MikeyG

The latest thing in Japanese body modification.

Thats just plain messed up!!

Saline injected into your head with a large needle and then someone pushes their thumb into their forhead to make it into a donut shape.

Did they want a job at Donut King or Krispy Creme or something? What if they dont put the hole straight in the middle, it could look like a toilet.

Hey toilet head!!

Why not shave your head and put it up a little higher then it could be a cup holder.

What do you think? Would you do it?

International Emmy and Gold Lion Award

Posted on September 12, 2012 by MikeyG

We got nominated!! YAY!!

Congratulations to the team I worked with on the Emmy nominated and Gold Lion Award winning Great Crusade comedy series. 24 episodes shot in New Zealand during the rugby world cup for One HD and Qantas inflight entertainment had me playing myself, eventually turning into a deranged killer running around a caravan park in New Zealand with a kitchen knife wearing nothing but a bath towel. Usual saturday night really. Produced by big time Hollywood Director Gregor Jordan and director Nathan Earls this was an amazing opportunity for me to showcase my secret acting skills. From this I’ve scored a part in the new Magda Szubanski, Ronan Keating movie Goddess set for release in March 2013 and for the last 8 months Ive been filming another movie about a TV host who believes his friends, family and workmates have been making a reality show about him his whole life, sending him on a quest to prove it. It gets very messy with various shock endings sure to surprise. This looks set for early 2013 release as well. Stay tuned for free tickets to the sneak preview.

Shooting Goldman in between takes with Cameron Knight and Director Producer Tony Prescott.

Dangerous Voiceovers

Posted on August 25, 2012 by MikeyG

Seconds before the voiceover booth stack

Parking my car next to all the new rides at Dreamworld as I walk into the maximum security TV production section of the theme park that is Channel 9s Big Brother, it all seems surreal. After three short years you notice real change : the new house, amazing sets,the high tech cameras and microphones, the tricky lights, a staff tea room cookie upgrade instead of plain milk arrowroot theres an assortment, the instantaneous involvement of twitter and facebook on every show, reading voiceover scripts from producers iPhones and pads rather than scraps of paper, the bigger buckets of fairy floss now available at the Big Brother canteen, how my dressing room used to be the disabled toilet and now i share with the cameraman change rooms (upgrade?).

I did it all for the Cookie

Fans are back and with the odd loveable looney. Launch shows, sunday evictions and nominations are a blast for me as I still get to host the pre show entertainment(better than saying crowd warm up) . They love the shuffle dance, too hard for me, I couldn’t shuffle a deck of cards. Tonight its Layla, Estelle or Sharne. Fun times indeed. But its not rosy all the time…….
There has already been an accident in the Big Brother voiceover department this year. Was in my booth the other day, about to read a script about Bradley pumping iron in the gym and my chair broke. I hit the ground hard, it sounded great on playback, but it did hurt a little. Was it Karma for reading a funny voiceover, was it big brother playing prank on me? Perhaps. Below is a reenactment so you can get a feel for how much pain was caused when I hit the deck. Notice however that my scripts were not crumpled in any way, which I believe a testament to my script protection skills.

Voiceover danger

My voiceover stack reenactment.
No injuries, except for a minor paper cut.

YAY! AUSTRALIA 4th in the Medal Tally (silver)

Posted on August 5, 2012 by MikeyG

Our Australian Olympians and Coaches have been copping it from all angles for crying too much, throwing Kebabs and generally under performing in what is being called our worst Olympic performance in 20 years. Not fair!! Its time to stop focusing on the negative and look for the silver lining people. We are actually coming 4th beating the worlds number 1 silver producer MEXICO in the Silver medal tally. Plus, silver is worth more than gold in some cases. Where? Well um, what about if you were being attacked by a werewolf or a vampire? in that case silver would be worth more than gold, it could even save your life. There you go. Also our Olympians already beat all 22 million people in Australia to GET to the Olympics, so lets take a gander at all the lazy countries with bigger populations that we are beating in the medal tally. Like Indonesia for example, for a very disciplined country Indonesia have 242,325,638 people and are at 43rd in the medal tally so far. India have over a billion, they have nukes, but no Gold! Come on Aussies, lets celebrate the countries we’re beating in the medal tally 😉
So it goes GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE and TOTAL – Then stuff I googled.
24 Australia 1 12 7 20 POPULATION a tincey tiny 22 million
25 Canada 1 3 6 10 POPULATION 34,482,779
26 Czech Republic 1 3 1 5 A lot
27 Sweden 1 3 0 4 A lot
28 Kenya 1 2 2 5 Kenya try harder? POP 41,609,728
29 Brazil 1 1 5 7 POPULATION 196,655,014 DISAPPOINTING!!!
30 Slovenia 1 1 2 4 Ok they only have 2 million, moving on
31 Croatia 1 1 0 2 Lots of hawt babes.
31 Switzerland 1 1 0 2 Only 8 million but they have awesome chocolate and beer so its understandable theyre unfit
33 Iran 1 0 1 2 Trouble and nukes
33 Lithuania 1 0 1 2 Im sick of googling
35 Georgia 1 0 0 1 I went out with a Georgia onece
35 Venezuela 1 0 0 1 Usually good at creating beauty Queens Looky looky – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Venezuelans
37 Mexico 0 3 2 5 POPULATION 112,336,538
38 Colombia 0 3 1 4 They will have a tasty Cigar even if they lose, so really they’re winning
39 Spain 0 2 1 3 POPULATION 47,190,493 thats a lot of Tapas
40 Slovakia 0 1 3 4 Google it
41 Azerbaijan 0 1 2 3 Yahoo it
41 India 0 1 2 3 What! India only has a million? Oh sorry thats a billion. 1,241,491,960
43 Armenia 0 1 1 2 Come on seriously you can search it yourself now.
43 Belgium 0 1 1 2 Nice beer and chocolate
43 Indonesia 0 1 1 2 POPULATION 242,325,638
43 Mongolia 0 1 1 2 I had mongolian BBQ last night, its awesome.
43 Norway 0 1 1 2 Norway am Im getting off topic here.
43 Serbia 0 1 1 2 Never been there, heard its pretty.
49 Egypt 0 1 0 1 Pyramids.
49 Guatemala 0 1 0 1 I heart Guacamole
49 Malaysia 0 1 0 1 Cheap flights from sydney on that new Scoot airline
49 Thailand 0 1 0 1 69 million and awesome scuba diving
49 Chinese Taipei 0 1 0 1 Hang on, maybe they should just rejoin china, they’re WINNING!!
54 Greece 0 0 2 2 Euro troubles, understandable.
54 Moldova 0 0 2 2 Pavalova.
56 Argentina 0 0 1 1 Really really want to go there.
56 Hong Kong 0 0 1 1 My mum won a gold medal in shopping there.
56 Qatar 0 0 1 1 I can play Stairway to heaven on the Quatar
56 Singapore 0 0 1 1 Noodles
56 Tunisia 0 0 1 1 No comment.
56 Uzbekistan 0 0 1 1 They make Uzi’s

Pick your Date

Posted on May 30, 2012 by MikeyG

Ok, so that wasn’t the name we went with for my new dating show. I wanted “bro’s and Hos”,”pick me Im not a whore”, “mikes web cam hotties” or “dont pick the axe murderer”, but apparantley they were taken. All the TV channels want it, but who needs an annoying TV channel when you have to put the show on at a certain time. My chumlinks, you can watch ours whenever! The first episode or Date or Dud features “sex expert” Dr Nikki Goldstien and I hear after the launch of this episode she brought out her own range of camaflaged vibrators. Yes ones that you can wear ad agroovy bangle or ancklette and nobody will even know that your actually orgasiming in the back corner of Starbucks while ordering a caramel late. So have a look and if youre game, not at Nikki knocking one out, but at our super cool new show, or even have a go by uploading a video saying why you should be the date. Every contestant wins $100 cash, a $50 itunes voucher, the chance at an all expenses paid dream date and a free vagazzaling kit. Ok, theres no Vegazzaling kit, but I want one. Really. http://dateordud.com.au/

Afghanistan and Iraq – ANZAC day 2012

Posted on April 24, 2012 by MikeyG

Hug a digger day. Yo, what up my digger!

It is the 97th anniversary of the day ANZAC troops landed at Gallipoli, today we commemorate those who served in the First World War.

20,000 ex-servicemen are taking part in the Anzac Day march in their honour today and today every Australian salutes our armed forces with
utmost pride. It is that same pride that our armed forces carry when they serve and represent our country. Fighting for our lives and serving us all to keep our freedom. Even though in some peoples eyes our community is divided, this is the one thing that joins us all together as one. Say we get attacked from another country, your religion, race, colour creed, place of birth, stature, your bank account mean nothing as all we have are our armed forces to protect us all. When I was in the middle east as a part of Tour De Force to entertain the armed forces I saw first hand the unappreciated work that our armed forces do when abroad. Away from their loved ones, away from the creature comforts of home, living in horrible conditions and working extremely long and unexpected hours. After being there, hearing the stories and understanding why they do what they do I feel the job our troops are doing is completely called for and I have a newfound appreciation for our armed forces. Both of my grandfathers and my uncle was in the armed forces and never really talked about it a lot as I feel in their day it was not something that people respected and appreciated as much as they do now. Today is a day to stand up and say thank you to everyone who serves our country both home and abroad. Heres a couple of cool photos I took while on tour with The Angels and a stack of comedians entertaining the troops in the middle east.
Read about my trip to Iraq and Afghanistan here

Mikes Fashion weak

Posted on April 17, 2012 by MikeyG

I knew they looked like something novel from my childhood and I figured it out. All you hipsters out there following the latest cutting edge fashion are really dressed like pappa smurf. Cool!!!!

"a hipster"

Tight pants – Check
Big Beard – Check
Beanie – Check

So now if the Pappa smurf look is in you have to go and find a date with a girl that dresses like Smurfette.
Actually come to think of it that would be like dating a midget Avatar in pokerdots. Nice, I think Im a little turned on right now.

I always wanted to grow a beard when I was young to impress the babes, but unfortunately my 17 year old beard would always look like storm clouds in a white sky or a milo face as I was once called. It just didn’t cut it. So if you’re too young to grow a pappa beard heres a cool idea that may help you. MAybe get nanna to make one for you or something. Awesome!!

Oh and heres a few beards that may not work. A trim or perhaps a complete shave.

Is that a beard or was he eating a Chihuahua?!??
That reminds me, Im hungry!
Thats all this week for Mikes Fashion Weak.